20 Signs You’re Too Strong for a Commercial Gym

I don’t know how some of you guys do it.

Kudos to all of you who manage to train hard and effectively at a commercial gym. Gaining strength and building muscle at a place like Planet Fitness or Bally’s is harder than finding a good Nickelback song or a tasty beer that ends with the word “Light”.

Sometimes I take for granted the fact that I’ve had some absolutely kickass places to lift weights. I’ve mostly made my home in college weight rooms and, for the past two years, helped carve out a new breed of weight lifting culture in a literal storage closet that we fondly dubbed “The Cage”. You’ve all seen The Cage dozens of times because that’s where I’ve filmed nearly all my lifting highlight videos.

We had it made in The Cage. No rules, no wimps. Just hard work. Heavy metal blasting, weights clanking, PRs falling left and right. It’s where my first 500-pound squat was born and where I’ve watched a handful of close friends turn into stronger, more confident people. That’s what real gyms do.

I’ve also always been a short drive from a handful of awesome training facilities like Renegade Gym in New Jersey, Cressey Performance in Massachusetts, and most recently, Total Performance Sports in Boston. Since I moved to Rhode Island, I’ve been trekking to TPS every Sunday to train in what’s hands-down the best public gym on earth.

Personally, I’d much rather drive 100 miles round-trip to train in a badass environment with old, beat up equipment than walk down the street to some fancy health club where people would rather socialize than get better. Give me Average Joe’s over Globo Gym any day. Every time I have no choice but to work out at a commercial gym, I leave the place telling myself “never again.”

Honestly, people would be better off spending a couple hundred bucks on a Prowler, a TRX and some weights. That would do everyone more good than ever stepping foot in a commercial gym again.

At the risk of sounding elitist, here’s a tongue-in-cheek list of signs that you’re too strong for a commercial gym.

1. You set off the lunk alarm during your warmup sets.

2. You know the squat pad is used for hip thrusts and glute bridges ONLY.

3. You have never once spotted someone on the bench and told them that it was “all you”.

4. You know the Smith machine’s best use is a coat rack.

5. You do bicep curls when you have time. Not four days a week.

6. You know there’s no such thing as a “seated” military press.

7. When someone asks “How much ya bench?” you don’t answer with “Well, back in the day…” or “Well, before I got hurt…” or “Back in high school…”.

8. You don’t take your entire tub of protein to the gym. (Yes, I’ve actually seen this and it still blows my mind.)

9. You don’t do cardio. You sprint or push the Prowler because the treadmill is where awesomeness goes to die.

10. You choose the oldest, rustiest bar in the gym because you know it’s the only one that’s not some slippery, 35-pound piece of garbage with no knurling and non-spinning collars.

11. You write everything down in a training journal.

12. Not once have you ever curled in the squat rack.

13. Your warmups last longer than most people’s full workouts.

14. You’ve been asked more than once to put your shoes back on while doing deadlifts.

15. You’ve been asked more than once to stop doing deadlifts.

16. Your gym bag is bursting at the seams because you have to bring your own chalk, bands, chains, Valslides, foam roll and ab wheel.

17. People under 150 pounds frequently express their concern for the health of your knees as you slap another plate on the bar and squat lower than a Dimebag Darrell riff.

18. Speaking of heavy metal, you’ve finally realized that anyone who listens to SiriusXM Octane is not tough or strong.

19. You wrap bands around the bench when you bench press because you can’t get tight to save your life on those slip-n-slides.

20. When you squat deep, you don’t brag about it on the internet. Because you always squat deep.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH BEING STRONG?

I know there are a lot of you who feel me on this. If I sound whiny or arrogant or if I offended you, I’m not sorry. Maybe you should cancel your gym membership and find a real place to train. Pull up Google and search for “powerlifting” or “strength and conditioning” followed by the name of your town. Go there, make friends and reach your goals faster than you’ve ever imagined.

Then, when you have to bite the bullet once in a blue moon and work out at a commercial gym, you’ll remember this post and think to yourself, “Man, I’m way too strong for this place.” You can thank me later.